Tuesday, February 28, 2012

why don't we talk about it?

i had a miscarriage last week. i was only 3 weeks pregnant, but i knew i was pregnant and i was thrilled. and then i started to bleed. and it was over.

i'm ok. i was ok, it wasn't so bad. thankfully, it happened early. i'm heart broken though. i had started to identify as pregnant, and when i wasn't anymore, i felt lost.

since it happened, i've found it hard to talk about. whenever i have told people, it has been sad and shocking and i had been left feeling exposed, vulnerable. i also felt that talking about it dishonored the experience - how could i give weight to it through words? 'i had a miscarriage'. and then what? what can be said?

i've told 4 people (apart from my partner) and each of them whelled up, touched my shoulder, and slightly shook their head. what can they say? i don't know, and nor do they.

it's just not something we talk about. it's deeply personal, upsetting, painful, devastating. pregnancy loss. loss of hope, joy, future.

my daughter is 3 and i want her to have a sibling. she'll be a beautiful sister. she's kind, empathetic, funny, cool, clever. she asked me yesterday if i have a baby in my belly. i said 'no, sweety, i don't'. and then i wanted to say 'i'm sorry', because i feel like something was taken away from her last week.